BIG Deal About SMALL Talk

By Susan RoAne, The Mingling Maven®

The national belittling of small talk has a long history. For years, people have denigrated small talk as phony, laborious and boring. It’s so important that I included a chapter on it in How To Work a Room® (1988, 2000) and wrote a comprehensive book on conversation, What Do I Say Next? (1997,1999) All of my presentations and keynotes have a ‘small talk’ component so that my audiences can start with it and then comfortably move on to BIGGER talk. My research surveys of 100 GREAT conversationalists yielded two results that stunned me.

The first is that 75% of the respondees, people whom I considered to be great conversationalists, still thought of themselves as SHY. I was shocked. Several of my surveyed admitted to working through shyness but still feeling so uncomfortable. Could have fooled me! In fact, they did. They worked through it sooooo well that I found them to be exemplary at conversation.

The second result was not surprising as much as it was confirming. NOT ONE of my identified great chatters put down “small talk”. To a one, they saw it as a way of getting to know people, put them at ease and find common ground.

Not to sound Socratic, but my deduction is clear--- “therefore, only crappy conversationalists denigrate small talk.”

Think about it. Have you ever had a wonderful conversation with someone who had no interest in the “little things” that start, move and expand our verbal exchanges? I think not. To say it more clearly---- which I did in What Do I Say Next? --- only those who aren’t good at small talk make light of it and, in fact, put it down. The bluffery and buffoonery around small talk is that it “isn’t important, it’s phony, boring”. Maybe what these denizens and denigrators are really saying is, “I DON”T CARE A WHIT ABOUT YOU.”

I am not the first person to have written about the subject of small talk, conversation or schmooze and I won’t be the last because we are uncomfortable talking to people we don’t know. In fact, many of us are even caught off-guard at the thought of having longer conversations with people we do know. With the input of friends, colleagues and generous strangers, in a chapter in What Do I Say Next?, I identified the CONVERSATION KILLERS, twenty-two behaviors that annoy the hell out of us and stop our verbal exchanges. My killers have been quoted, attributed and sometimes just “borrowed”. A few of the most annoying are: The Braggart, The One Upper, The Interrupter, The Brain Bully, The Corrections Officers (sometimes known as the grammar police) and the Kvetchers who constantly complain.

Here is food for thought from someone who has been writing, teaching and ‘talking’ about the art of conversation --and has been a conversationalist--- since first grade. By the way, that’s when I started getting red checks on my report cards for “socially chatting” with my classmates!

• Have your own introduction prepared in your head so you aren’t tongue tied when you meet someone at a party, conference or event.
• Read the paper either off-line or on-line so you know what’s going on in your community, our country and the world.
• DO NOT follow the advice of ‘small talk’ experts who say, “Just ask people questions because people love to talk about themselves.” IF all you do is ask questions, you bring nothing to the banquet and people will think you are prying, probing busybody.
• LISTEN to what people say instead of planning your next line. They are telling you what they want to talk about and you can take a hint and build MEANINGFUL conversation that is a duo-logue.
• Start small; establish a connection and you will organically build to the bigger topics.
• Ask questions, but be aware that some experts suggest questions that are inappropriate, contrived and cheesy. IF the question doesn’t feel right to you, it isn’t.
• Share stories that relate to the interests of others because people connect with our stories; not the factoids, features or sales pitches.
• Say something that relates to the common moment, the venue or event: the food, the theme, the parking or traffic, the host.
• Remember, most people are nice and would welcome your pleasant conversation. 

At the recent Mill Valley Film Festival, I attended two receptions by myself. It could have been daunting but how could I miss an opportunity to attend an event with Felicity Huffman and one for Donald Sutherland? I’ve been a fan of Ms. Huffman’s since Sports Night and Donald Sutherland is one of the Twelve Angry Men who was in the original MASH movie and now on Commander in Chief. Both actors were most receptive to talking to their ‘fans’ and utterly charming. There was plenty for me to talk about with the “strangers” in the room: the movie, the actor honoree, the other movies we had seen or planning to see, the food and, of course, the parking in downtown Mill Valley.

Both events were great. I talked to both actors, met new people; saw some familiar faces, eavesdropped ( a trait of those who appeared in How To Create Your Own Luck) on a fun conversation to learn that Life of Pi is being filmed in West Marin and that led to another lovely conversation. And because ironic humor is everywhere, I cracked up seeing that gourmet mini potato pancakes were served with slices of pork! That contributed to really small--even mini-- moments of mingling and humor.

I’m glad I attended and did listen to my mother who used to admonish (pre-internet), “Go out, you’ll never meet anyone sitting at home!” To build small talk, big talk and new friendships and business…you may benefit from listening to my Mother, too!

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©RoAne2006 All rights reserved under Article One, Section Eight of the US Constitution

Susan RoAne, an in-demand keynote speaker, is the author of How To Work A Room, What Do I Say Next? and How To Create Your Own Luck. She is the person who created the tipping point on the term, SCHMOOZE and is The Mingling Maven® who teaches people how to make small talk that yields big rewards. You can find her at 415 461 3915. susan@susanroane.com.

Please contact her for permission to use this article.

REMINDERS

• Conversation is an art, not a science.
• If you like people, you've won half the battle for more conversational prowess.
• The ability to schmooze contributes to personal and professional success.
• Small talk is the most important talk we can do.