How to Work a Room

Chapter 1

The Roadblocks: Mother's Dire Warnings

If working a room is so much fun and so profitable, why do our hearts thump, our palms sweat, and our eyes glaze over when we think about it? One reason is that eighty-eight percent of us think of ourselves as shy. When we get invited to a meeting, conference or party, we shy away from the opportunity to avoid the discomfort.

Another reason is that many years ago, we were taught not to talk to strangers. Mom gave us these dire warnings with the best of intentions, "for our own good," and everybody agreed that we should heed them. The trouble is, they worked a lot better when we were six years old than they do now that we are twenty-six, forty-six or sixty-six.

Now that we're no longer walking home alone from first grade, these dire warnings have changed from safety barriers into roadblocks that prevent us from mingling comfortably and effectively with other people. Mom isn't to blame. But we heard these warnings so often - and perhaps repeated them to our own kids so often - that they became a way of life.

There are five major roadblocks to working a room successfully. Knowing where they come from is the first step to letting them go.

ROADBLOCK #1 - "DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS"

This first roadblock is as American as apple pie. It is often accompanied by a shaking of the index finger. It made sense when our mothers gave it to us, and it makes sense when we give it to our children. We still don't want our children to talk to strangers on the way home from school today more than ever.

But it doesn't make sense when we're selling a product at a trade show, beginning our first day on a new job, attending a formal ball or mingling at a professional association meeting or convention where contacts and connections are standing six deep around the room. Yet we often find ourselves standing in the door, paralyzed, with that imaginary finger shaking in our faces and the message "Don't talk to strangers" flashing across our subconscious. So, we don't.

Instead, we choose a nice, quiet spot at the hors d'oeuvres table and start nibbling, get very busy with a cup of coffee or a drink, smile nervously around the room at no one in particular - and have an awful time. Or we hang out in the periphery of the room...around the walls. (Hence, the term wallflower.)

The problem is that we also miss tremendous business, career and social opportunities. Who knows what wonderful person or valuable contact was standing around that room, feeling just as uncomfortable as we were?

Life is too short, and time too precious, to spend an hour or two squandering opportunities and having a bad time in the process.

ROADBLOCK #2 - "WAIT TO BE PROPERLY INTRODUCED" (THE SCARLETT O'HARA SYNDROME)

Imagine Scarlett, standing on the steps of Tara in all its antebellum glory, batting her eyelashes as she drawls, "My, but we haven't been properly introduced." Her beauty and charm notwithstanding, Scarlett wouldn't have gotten very far at a professional association meeting.

In Scarlett's day and social sphere, everyone was very much aware of proper introductions and there were people, usually older women, who did little else. They would make sure you met that gallant, dark-haired man or that stunning belle or the local banker who might be interested in your crop expansion.

But tomorrow did, indeed, become "another day" and now you can't count on personal or professional "matchmakers" to be sure you are introduced around at the political meeting or the reception after the lecture.

Yet many of us were taught that it "wasn't nice" to talk to someone unless we had been introduced by a mutual acquaintance. It is certainly easier to begin a conversation when you've been formally introduced. At the very least, you have in common the person who introduced you. "How do you know Leslie?" elicits more information about the person you've just met, and can lead to other subjects of conversation.

But at most events we can't count on being introduced to anyone, let alone the people we most want to meet. We may be on our own when it comes to circulating, and we may have to walk up to people and introduce ourselves. If we don't want to be left standing in the middle of the room, staring at the ceiling or the floor, we have to realize that Scarlett had her world and we have ours...and send her packing back to Tara.

ROADBLOCK #3 - "DON'T BE PUSHY. GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT." (THE PROM KING/QUEEN COMPLEX)

Let's face it. The world may beat a path to the door of Prom Kings and Queens, but not everyone is royal. And once the Prom is over, even the ex-Kings and ex-Queens can't always afford to sit back and hope that people will seek them out.

As we watched the Kings and Queens besieged with dates, mom told us, "Good things come to those who wait." Au contraire...gray hair comes to those who wait, and sometimes even varicose veins if the waiting is done standing up!

Waiting for people to find you and introduce themselves is an exercise in futility. Chances are, they won't - because it's just as difficult for them as it is for you. Because eighty-eight percent of us are shy and won't initiate, the "waiting game" is a colossal waste of time, no fun at all, and murder on your self-esteem.

It reminds me of myself and legions of other present and former teenagers who sat by the phone and stared at it, waiting for it to ring. I learned the hard way that it did NOT work for the Prom. Why would I expect it to work now? If it were not for my mom and Larry's mom, I'd still be waiting for my prom date to call!

Even the inventor who actually does build a better mousetrap has to get out there and let people know about it. If he doesn't, he'll sit at home for the rest of his life with no mice, but no fame nor fortune either. He might as well have bought a cat.

People who "wait for others to come to them" can often be found in the corner of the room, holding up the walls, envying those who glide around the reception or the cocktail party meeting people.

And let's talk about "pushy." There is pushy, and there is pushy. Obviously, you don't want to throw yourself into a stranger's arms or pin him down on the conference table, wagging your finger in his face and forcing fistfuls of business cards into his pockets. That's one thing. It's quite another to approach someone in a pleasant, friendly way, to smile, introduce yourself, and say something like, "This is my first meeting. Is there always such a good turnout?"

People who fall victim to the Prom King/Queen Complex and sit around waiting for the world to find them have often are perceived as being aloof, even arrogant, when they may be feeling uncomfortable or shy. They may or may not actually be shy, but that is how they've come to think of themselves.

In one of my early jobs as an elementary school teacher, I found that these labels often became self-fulfilling prophecies. The "Troublemaker" of the class always found a way to maintain that dubious distinction. The "Talker" (today's conversationalist) always managed to get the most red checks next to "Keeps Profitably Busy." (I'm afraid I fell into this category, but to this day I can't imagine anything more compelling about school than social intercourse with my classmates. Multiplication tables? Diagramming sentences? Give me note-passing and furtive whispering in the back row!)

Shyness can be a learned response, according to Dr. Lynne Kelly, a University of Hartford professor who specializes in the study of shyness ("Professor Treats Problem of Shyness," New York Times, February 3, 1985). The young child who hides when Auntie Glynda wants to hug them hello, hears Mom or Dad say, "He's just shy." Aha! Now he figures out how to get out of these interactions with Auntie and the label sticks! What we learn, we can unlearn. Working on both communication and conversation skills is one way of unlearning shyness.

"Most people experience 'situational shyness'," says Dr. Philip Zimbardo, author of Shyness and What To Do About It. Certain situations make all of us reticent. We may be as shy about an important sales meeting, a product review or a child's parent-teacher conference as we are about walking into the grand ballroom of a major hotel and having 1,000 people turn their heads on our direction.

But with training, practice, and refining our communication skills, shyness can be reduced or eliminated altogether.

Leaders and successful people have learned to overcome their shyness. They don't wait; they reach outThe Magic of Thinking Big, Dr. David Schwartz says, "It's a mark of real leadership to take the lead in getting to know people.... It's always a big person who walks up to you and offers his/her hand and says hello."

ROADBLOCK #4 - "BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY" (RISKING REJECTION)

So you work up your nerve to approach a stranger. You smile, say hello, and introduce yourself. The other person casts you a disinterested glance that screams, "WHO CARES?"

This hurts. No one wants to be rebuffed or ignored to their face. Our egos are on the line when we extend ourselves to others, because there is always the possibility that they won't be interested in talking with us.

But mother's dire warning that we're "better safe than sorry" puts a real damper on risk, and risk is the name of the game when you are working a room.

I like to think of this risk as a challenge. If you don't have anything on the table, you never win. If you don't take the risk and reach out to people, you never make new friends or contacts. We risk our lives all the time on the freeway. Most of us are strong enough to withstand a temporarily chipped ego. Some of the same people who participate in risky Xtreme sports (mountain climbing, bunjee jumping, sky diving, etc.) are those for whom a roomful of people is too much of a risk.

The truth is, very few people will be openly hostile or rude - if for no other reason than it's bad business. The person who appears to be disinterested may not be judging or rejecting us...but thinking of another worry. Mother may have fallen and broken a hip and the family has to make a convalescent care decision or the company may be merging and down-sizing possibilities loom. Or that person who is so distant may be one who is much more shy and less confident than you.

ROADBLOCK #5 - "MANGLED AND MIXED MESSAGES"

We run the risk that our warm, open, friendly manner will be misconstrued as an invitation to a liaison. Women are especially vulnerable to this misinterpretation. A touch on the arm that is intended as a simple gesture of understanding can be misconstrued as an indication of sexual interest or intrusion.

Although mother's warning is a bit extreme, we have to go about our lives, be very clear with ourselves about our intent, and exercise a bit of caution in this area. In the past twelve years, sexual harrassment has become a topic and behavior of concern. It makes sense to be aware of the issues, and still be open and friendly. We need to keep our hands to ourselves and watch our language, including our "Honey Do's and Don'ts."

RISKING THE ROADBLOCKS

These five roadblocks are part of what stop us from mingling, circulating, and working a room. In the next chapter, we'll discuss specific remedies for each roadblock.

But there is something else that can stop us from moving comfortably around a room, something more subtle than the five particular roadblocks we've just discussed. It has to do with self-perception, self-confidence, and self-esteem. People who register low in these areas can talk themselves out of meeting people and feeling at ease talking to them.

In Talking To Yourself, Dr. Pamela Butler dealt with the concept of self-talk, which has become more widely recognized in the last twelve years. These are the things we say to ourselves in our minds, sometimes without even being aware that we are saying them. Self-talk can be either positive or negative. Dr. Butler said that we can change negative self-talk to positive self-talk, and that this transformation can have benefits in all areas of our lives.

Here is some negative self-talk that might come up when you think of working a room:

• I've always had trouble meeting people. It's just the way I am.
• I can't make - and don't like - small talk.
• I don't have anything important or interesting to say. I'll just embarrass myself. Better to keep quiet and be cool.
• Why would anyone want to listen to me? All these people have more important things to do.

Take a moment to write down any negative self-talk you may have, and then rewrite those statements into positive ones. The above comments might be rewritten as:

• I'm having fun practicing meeting people, and getting better at it all the time. I'm enjoying mastering a new skill.
• Small talk is a great way to get to know new people.
• I want to extend myself to other people, and know that the most valuable thing I have to offer is myself. If I'm open and honest, I'll feel good about myself and so will they.
• We're all busy, but everyone enjoys connecting with other people. I'm a valuable, likable person. Extending myself is a gift that others appreciate.

It works! I attended a party and met a nice couple. The wife told me that her professional networking group used my book for their discussion forum. She committed to revising her "self-talk" and attended a party. She saw a nice man whom she learned was single and struck up a conversation about their host, which lead to other topics of interest. That nice man? You guessed it...her husband! Yenta, the Matchmaker, takes her bow.

AN ELEVATING EXPERIENCE

One of the "rooms" that really confounds us is the elevator. Should we talk to the boss? the Chairman of the Board? or the stranger? Have a pleasantry prepared and a smile for the times it appears to be appropriate. However, there are times your courageous conversation may interrupt the boss lost in thought. Doing something outrageous, an antic or "shtick*," may backfire. What we want to be is outgoing...being too outrageous could make us appear foolish and that does not enhance our careers. Assess each situation on a case-by-case basis.

CHANGE/RISK/REWARD

Change of any kind is a risk and feels uncomfortable-even when the change is for the good. It's a little sad to leave the old house, even when we're moving into a much nicer one. We leave behind the old, familiar ways and step onto new ground. No matter how wonderful the change - getting married, expanding your business, moving to an exciting new city, switching careers - there is always a certain amount of discomfort.

For most of us, working a room is a change. But extending ourselves to people is almost always worth the risk. When we try and succeed, it feels like a million dollars. But when we allow negative self-talk to prevail, we can talk ourselves out of taking a risk and become overwhelmed by the roadblocks.

If we don't seize the moment, it will be gone...along with the opportunity.

How many times have you seen someone who looked vaguely familiar, but were afraid to go over because he might be not be who you thought he was? I say, so what if I am wrong? The worst that can happen is that he says he's not that person and I've make a new acquaintance - possibly a new friend.

In 1981, I attended my first meeting of a local professional association. One of the men there looked like a person I had met the previous June at a career training conference. He was standing alone at the bar. Several questions raced through my mind when I saw him. What if he wasn't the man I had met, but just a look-alike? Would he think I was coming on to him? On the other hand, what if he really was the person I'd met and felt slighted that I didn't recognize him? Should I go up and say hello, or wait for him to come to me?

Of all these possibilities, I decided that the worst result would be that he was the person I'd met and thought I was ignoring him. My value system, which includes more than a mild dose of guilt, took over. I approached Farrell Chiles and mentioned the June conference. He was not the person I had met, but we had a pleasant conversation.

OLD LINES: NEW FRIENDS

He had been following the original "Careers" series in the San Francisco Examiner and remembered several of my columns. That made me feel terrific. I was very glad that I'd overcome my reluctance to approach him. The benefits have been immeasurable. We play significant roles in each other's networks and we have been friends since then. Since that encounter, we tell the story of our unique first meeting, and always pay tribute to that great old line, "Don't I know you from someplace?"

CORRALLING YOUR COURAGE

No one can give you the courage to introduce yourself to a stranger. But some people are more supportive of that behavior than others. My advice: Stick with those who encourage you to take the initiative.

One way to muster up the courage to take a risk is to ask yourself, "What's the worst that can happen?" Surprisingly enough, your worst fear is usually not a matter of life and death. And the odds are that disaster will not occur - and that even if it does, you will survive.

Taking the risk is almost always worth the discomfort. It's a cliche, but "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." With technology moving the world at warp speed, embracing real-time opportunities for face-to-face connections makes sense.

ROANE'S REMINDERS

"Mother's Dire Warnings" still lurk in our subconscious. These five roadblocks can prevent us from making the most of a party or business event. When we know that they are, we can remedy them.

• Don't talk to strangers.
• Wait to be properly introduced. (The Scarlett O'Hara Syndrome)
• Don't be pushy. Good things come to those who wait. (The Prom King/Queen Complex)
• Better safe than sorry. (Risking Rejection)
• He/she only wants one thing! (The Intercepted Pass)

Advisories:

• Be aware of negative self-talk, and change it into positive self-talk.
• Extending yourself to people feels risky, but the benefits are well worth the discomfort.