Conversations with the Contentious

By Susan RoAne, The Mingling Maven®

Over dinner, a colleague must have mistaken me for the entrée and proceeded to grill me. When I finally suggested that we eat our dinner and continue the conversation over coffee, she was incensed and continue to prod and pry. “I understand that you are curious but we can finish this after the meal,” I said. The reasonable person would have been amenable. The contentious person responded, “ I am insulted that you would call me curious.” UGH. My solution: preoccupying myself with consuming an entire chocolate dessert.

This is why people fire clients. Turning the tables on her and asking questions did not work. My solution: no more time invested or- more accurately- wasted with her. As for any leads, contacts, referrals that I could offer, NO WAY would I expose my network to someone who does not know how to behave. We have broken our last piece of bread as she broke the rules of savvy socializing.

For the offensive person who has said the inexcusably rude or mean -spirited comment, “I am sure you did not mean that the way it sounded,” suggests Leslie Charles, author of Why IS Everyone So Cranky? Most of these suggestions are ‘I’ messages. They come from our thoughts, reactions and do not point the finger at the culprit… no matter how deserved.

There are some people in the world who still pride themselves on ‘telling it like it is’. That is so sixties… and an indication that person could be troublesome. The reality is that “IT’ is only their interpretation of situations. When it is a co-worker or boss, these dicey situations are ulcers in the making. Dr. Judith Briles suggests that we are direct and approach the person face to face. We may learn it is a small misunderstanding that is cleared up. IF our behavior is confrontational, that may make matters worse.

On a recent Daily Show (Comedy Central with the brilliantly funny , Jon Stewart), Reverend Al Sharpton was talking about his onetime nemesis, former New York Mayor Rudy Guiliani. “Since September 11th, Guiliani did a great job.” The Reverend followed that with an aphorism that makes sense for all of us: “ We can disagree without being disagreeable.”

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