Working The Rules Of Business Etiquette:
Good Manners = Good Business

By Susan RoAne

Mention the terms "etiquette" or "good manners" and the most boring or vacuous conversation or meeting becomes highly charged. Why would such old-fashioned terms create that lively interest? One reason is that manners and etiquette seem to be disappearing. Many people are too "busy" or preoccupied with "more important things" to practice common courtesies – responding to R.S.V.P.'s, extending a "thank you," making good introductions, and treating others with courtesy and respect. Some people it seems were never taught the "niceties," thoughtfulness nor conversation. Yet bad manners can be deadly...both to the reputation and to the bottom line. It's not nice to hurt peoples' feelings, offend sensibilities, and it's not good business practice, not in this current economy and job situation.

How are we supposed to behave at a client lunch, an interview, party, reception or convention? In general? The same as on the job: VERY WELL! But what is "behaving well?" The expectations are much the same as those that parents and teachers have of children:

1. Know the rules
2. Observe the rules
3. Do so graciously

If you don't already know the rules of formal etiquette, it's wise to learn them. Many good references are available online and in bookstores and libraries. The problem is that life has gotten confusing because technology has impacted our lives so dramatically and is changing at warp speed. Even people who were taught various "white glove" schools of etiquette often don't have any idea what they're doing.

ETIQUETTE AND MANNERS

Etiquette is defined as the usages and rules for behavior in polite society, official or professional life. Certain basic rules are still accepted as the norm, and it behooves us to know both the old etiquette and the new etiquette. The executive suites of corporate America require it. The savvy person knows and incorporates business etiquette in their daily interactions.

But knowing the rules of etiquette is not enough. What we're really after is manners – that wonderful combination of courtesy, caring and common sense.

There is a difference between knowing the rules of etiquette, being a person of manners, and the manner in which we relate to others. Some people follow every rule of etiquette, but have a manner that is rude or patronizing.

There is an old story about a Washington hostess who noticed that one of her guests used the wrong fork at a formal dinner, and pointed out this error to him in front of the other guests. She knew the proper etiquette, but showed a lack of good manners. Why? People with good manners don't embarrass others.

In contrast, when Lady Astor's guest picked up the wrong fork, she picked up the wrong fork, too, so that he wouldn't be embarrassed.

People with good manners also treat others with respect. Knowing the rules is one thing; caring about people and treating them with consideration is something else.

Courtesy is the cornerstone of good manners. According to my Standard Collegiate Dictionary, "to be courteous is to be polite while having a warmer regard for the feelings and dignity of others."

This is reflected in our use of the techno toys, phones, radios, and even the stereo! It's how we behave with clients, co-workers, friends, family and strangers.

If people are comfortable with us, our presence at any event will be valued. And we will be remembered...for the right reasons.

MANNERS MAVENS

The bad news is that the rules have changed...and continue to change and at warp speed.

The good news is that it's easy to get help. The changing rules of etiquette have spawned a whole new industry. Books, columns, seminars, software programs and websites on etiquette are readily available. There is a great demand for expert consultants who can show us the acceptable conventions for social and business behavior, because people want to know. That is one of the reasons my presentations have been so popular in the business world. People need the reminders.

Miss Manners (to whom you may only write in blue or blue black ink – never peacock blue) has written several books and has a syndicated column. Letitia Baldrige, former social secretary to Jackie Kennedy, has written both Letitia Baldrige's Complete Guide to Executive Manners and a revised edition of Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette. There is a plethora of practical guides.

Baldridge claims that manners are 99% common sense and 1% kindness.

THE R.S.V.P.

R.S.V.P. stands for "Repondez s'il vous plait." This translates from the French as "Respond if you please." (And if you don't, you may not get invited again – at least to my house.) Evite provides an

A social invitation requires a response. That's all there is to it. To compensate for a general deterioration in etiquette, response cards are often included in invitations. These days, people have added phone numbers,e-mail addresses and Facebook pages, just so they can figure out the guest tally and how much food to order. (Notice, I didn't say "prepare!") Evites keep track of RSVPs and hosts are alerted as soon as one is sent.

R.S.V.P. FOR BUSINESS

R.S.V.P.'s for business events, meetings, and association luncheons are a bit different. The expectation is that you will pre register and pre pay or call in a reservation. And you are expected to attend if you reserve! You generally do not have to call to say you won't be able to attend unless you've already responded and committed to being there whether it's an email or evite invite as well.

It's not good manners nor good business to be a "drop in." I have attended many luncheons where too many "busy" people (much too busy to bother calling in a reservation) showed up at the door at the last minute. The food count was thrown way off balance – and so was the luncheon's chairperson! Leftovers for an army (or worse, a shortage of shrimp puffs) is every host's nightmare.

If you find out at the last minute that you'll be able to attend after all, at least call the morning of the event to let them know you're coming.

Several clients told me horror stories of commitment-phobics who never R.S.V.P. lest they have to show up. One woman told me that, at least fifteen people sent in R.S.V.P.'s for her wedding and did NOT show. The cost was about $1,250...and several friendships!

To R.S.V.P. shows good manners, good business, consideration, breeding and respect.

RSVP@MINDYOURMANNERS.COM

Online invite sites are popular as they are fast, expedient although somewhat impersonal. While the online invite and RSVP sites may work for a big bash, I hope it does not supplant the wedding, christening, bar mitzvah and baby shower invitations that arrive with a stamp...and my stamp of approval. There is something so special about receiving a real invitation with a personally addressed.

INTRODUCTIONS

Many people feel awkward about introductions because they remember being taught that there was one right way to do it – and they can't remember what that one right way is. So they stand there, with two people whom they want to introduce, stammering, "Uh...Jon, meet Susan...uh, no...Susan, Jon. My friend...uh..." Much of the warmth goes out of an introduction when we don't feel comfortable.

It helps if there is a reception line. If you see one, head directly for it and introduce yourself to the host. Give some information about yourself that he or she can pass on as you are introduced to the next person in line. If there is no reception line, take a deep breath and rely on the strategies we've discussed. If you spot people with "host" badges, introduce yourself to them and hope that they will introduce you around.

Letitia Baldrige makes introductions very simple in her always timely Complete Guide to Executive Manners. She says that the most important thing to remember about introducing people is to do it, "even if you forget names, get confused or blank out on the proper procedure."

Ms. Baldrige's Guidelines to Introductions:

"Introducing people is one of the most important acts in business life…"

1. Introduce a younger person to an older person.
2. Introduce a peer in your company to a peer in another company.
3. Introduce a nonofficial person to an official person.
4. Introduce a junior executive to a senior executive.
5. Introduce a fellow executive to a customer or client.

The idea is always to introduce the "less important" person to the "more important" person. (We know these people aren't really less or more important on a human level, but we're dealing here with arbitrary societal conventions.) What if the CEO is younger than the person you want to introduce? Use common sense and assess the situations on a case-by-case basis.

Baldrige offers these examples:

• "Mr. Cummins, I'd like to present my daughter Cynthia. Cynthia, this is Mr. Sherwood Cummins, the president of our company."
• "Mr. and Mrs. Crawford, I'd like to introduce to you a fellow executive from Standard Oil, Eric Jones. Tim, this is Mr. and Mrs. Brent Crawford, good friends of my parents."

About using people's titles, she says, "When introducing people of equal standing, you do not have to use a title unless you are introducing an older person, a professional, or someone with official rank." In other words, you might use the "titles" of Dr. Wara, Senator Boxer, Father Paul or Rabbi Weiner – but the two new vice presidents might be simply Jennifer Walker and Michael Berringer.

When introducing a public official, use his or her title even if he or she no longer holds the position. You would say either "Mayor Brown" or "former Mayor Brown", "President Clinton" or "former President Clinton."

Proper etiquette is important in introductions, but we shouldn't become such slaves to it that we lose our warmth or our humor. The most important thing is that people know you want them to meet one another. When in doubt, just give the names and some indication of who the people are and what they might have in common. And said so with respect and regard and enthusiasm.

Never ever "shorten" someone's formal name unless they invite you to do so. My name is Susan, not Sue. I know Roberts, Davids, James and Judiths who do NOT go by Bob, Dave, Jim or Judy.

NAMING NAMES

People like to be remembered...by name. But it's not easy to remember everyone, particularly if we meet a lot of people.

The classic Name Nightmare.... You are at a reception for a local charity, attended by about two hundred people and held in the ballroom of a local hotel. A man approaches you and says, "Craig, it's so good to see you again!"

Your mind races, your heart pounds, a bead of perspiration forms on your brow. You don't have a clue who this person is.

What to do? Pretend you don't see or hear him, turn, and make a hundred yard dash across the room? Duck under the buffet table? Beat your breast and throw yourself on his mercy?

Obviously not. The best solution is to tell the truth... preferably with some humor. You might try:

• "Forgive me. It's been such a busy day, I barely remember my own name."
• "Please, help me out. I've just gone blank...it's genetic."

Who is going to say, "No, I want to watch you squirm until you remember my name"?

By the same token, don't let people squirm to remember your name or who you are. Always state your name clearly, immediately, and with energy. Give the other person some idea of who you are or how you may have met.

Memory expert Dr. Joan Minninger, author of Total Recall (a memory book), offers some tips for remembering names. The first is to decide to remember. She recommends that we say our name, and repeat the other person's name, while shaking hands – because this physical gesture makes for kinesthetic reinforcement. Looking for an unusual physical characteristic and focusing on it also helps connect the name with the face.

And finally, for those of us who did not grow up in California (where everyone is called by his or her first name), there is the problem of what to call people. Do we use the first name, the "Mr., Mrs., or Ms." form, or the formal title.

Option #1: Use the formal title (Dr. Keane, General Powell, Father Larry). People who want you to call them by their first names will invite you to do so. "Please call me Jim." If they don't offer the first name, stick to the title.

Option #2: Ask. "Do you prefer to be called Dr. Wojtal?"

THANK YOU'S

Not everyone writes thank you notes these days, but it is an extremely gracious gesture and one that is appreciated by every host or hostess. Think of how you would feel if you'd had ten people to dinner. Wouldn't it be nice to get a note from someone thanking you for all you'd done to make the evening pleasant?

A former professor and educational consultant said, "If I take the time to plan the menu, shop, clean the house, cook, serve the dinner, and clean up, that may take four to six hours! My guest certainly has a few moments to write a note or card to say thank you."

With the desire to be memorable and stand out from the crowd so prevalent, sending thank you notes makes a lasting, positive impression.

To email or not? Handwritten notes are quickly becoming a lost art, and some people complain that it takes too much time to write thank you notes by hand. But most "manners mavens" agree that the handwritten note is more valued. It reflects personal care, thought, and time expended. An e-mail can be sent as a quick acknowledgement, followed by the handwritten note or card. After a job interview, to stand out from the other applicant, add what you learned from the interview or add some relevant commentary you have read or heard to a thank-you note. When we take the time to personalize our notes we distinguish ourselves from the crowd and become memorable.

A grandmother of my acquaintance told me how she "taught" her college student granddaughter the importance of a thank-you note. "Two Christmases ago I sent Wendy a check as is my habit. NOT a word! Last year, I sent NOTHING. Wendy called and told me she had not received her usual check for Christmas. 'Really, when I did not receive your thank-you for my Christmas gift, I assumed you did not want nor need my money.' Wendy apologized profusely. But, I sent nothing. That year she was more attentive to her old grandma. When this year's Christmas gift arrived, she called immediately AND sent an exquisite note."

MISCELLANEOUS MANNERS (THREE TIPS)

1. People expect that we will "bring something to the banquet." That means, at the very least, energy, enthusiasm, conversation, information and humor. Approach people with a smile, a handshake and an open, upbeat greeting. And look them in the eye. Invite people into your conversations once they get started.
2. Exiting conversations and moving ¼ of the room away so you don't look as if you've "turned your back" on your conversation partner is gracious.
3. Judging people by their appearances can be a grievous error.

It's important to consult the "manners mavens" to keep abreast of changing patterns in etiquette, but even more important to be a person of manners – one who genuinely cares about other people and makes an effort to make them feel comfortable. Manners are a combination of common sense and kindness.

Do the gracious thing, the thing you would like done if you were in the other person's place - whether you are responding to invitations, making introductions or extending a "thank you."

The bottom line: Be nice, and be thoughtful and considerate of others, even in the techno-toy room.

ROANE'S REMINDERS

• Good Manners = Good Business
• We are never too busy to bypass common courtesy – which is having a regard for feelings and dignity of others.
• Don't save nanoseconds. Invest time in the "niceties."
• Know The Rules of Etiquette:

    - Table Manners
    - Introductions
    - Guest and Host Behavior

• Cyberspace
• R.S.V.P. ... don't show up, forget to attend or wait for better offers.
• Don't presume informality: wait until it is offered.
• Thank-you NOTES are a sign of acknowledgement, appreciation and manners.
Send a thank-you for the Tangibles: gifts, checks, meals and the Intangibles: ideas, leads, referrals, advice and listening.
• Never shorten someone's name, unless told to do so. ("Please call me Dave" is the invitation to do so.)