Appropriate? An Indescribable Term

By Susan RoAne, The Mingling Maven®

What a great word…. Appropriate. I used to tell my students that I expected them to behave appropriately, use appropriate language and treat others in an appropriate fashion. In this global world we must know the customs in other countries so that we know what's considered appropriate in order to build personal and business relationships. The rough, tough ‘show me' sixth and seventh graders I taught figured it out with a little help from their teacher tyrant. (yours truly).

Nowadays most people don’t have a clue what appropriate means. The manners/etiquette and demeanor of some deserves a D minus. Far too many people also have no clue on how to appropriately dress for an occasion be it a church function, an office party, an opera, a wedding, etc. much less when and when not to use their cell or send text messages. If you doubt me, go to your local theater arts event, observe people attending a religious service or funeral.

This cannot be that hard. Not for people who can design firewalls, write code, speak intelligently, use spreadsheets, quote the law, put out fires, teach science, sell products and services and generally are educated, self- sufficient ‘multi-taskers’… as long as one of the tasks does not involve or require APPROPRIATE behaviors or responses.

IF my recalcitrant students could figure out what appropriate meant (considerate, thoughtful, respectful)… why can’t we adults in the workforce get it? It's so easy to learn. Savvy business networkers understand how important it is. There are numerous books on etiquette, manners, skills for success, how to improve communication, cross cultural communication and the timeless How To Win Friends and Influence People. There are many websites to help those in need of tweaking their behaviors and deeds in the direction of appropriate. What there is not is an excuse good enough to make INAppropriate behavior acceptable.

Can we lay the blame at the feet of the pyre of Gen Y? NO. Lack of awareness has been an ongoing concern and it permeates the membership lines of all generations. Just watch the over 50 year olds show up at an event wearing a Bluetooth™. Or check a Blackberry during a conversation.

Here is the rule of thumb to determine what is appropriate: Ask yourself: IS this what your favorite grandparent would condone, support, expect--- be proud of??? It's a question Jay Leno asked of Kanye West about his behavior at the MTV Awards. "What would your mother say about what you did?" Kanye thought about it as he wiped his eyes. Inappropriate is a mild term to describe his action. Jay Leno hit a nerve and it's one we should consider before we do something that could be regrettable and impact our professional reputation

Before we say anything that might be dicey, another question we should ask ourselves is one my friend, Lana, suggests: "What would be the point"? Even if we want to rip into someone for a legitimate reason, what's the point? Wouldn't more be accomplished by being rational, calm and not insulting?

In my teacher past I had a mentor who was kind and helpful as I navigated the education waters. Once I began on this path… author and professional speaker, he began to make odd, stinging, hurtful comments. At first, I thought, “How could he say or do that… I would never do that to him nor would I be able to even think up such antics.” Slowly I realized (and ultimately wrote in a chapter on Mentors and Trauma in Face to Face To Face: How To Reclaim The Personal Touch in A Digital World) that “do unto others” would not apply to those who ultimately do not care enough about other people to regard their manner of interaction as important. “Treat me the way you want to be treated” has no relevance to “Fred” and his ilk..

Getting our arms around appropriate behavior to define it is tough. Much like the word “ethical” the meaning is often determined by individual interpretation. One person’s ethics is another person’s idea of sleazy and abhorrent behavior. Lying is also one of those ambiguous terms. I use to think of myself as an honest person but now I know I'm selectively honest.

If someone cooks a dinner that I do not like… I say it was good. If a friend spends a mortgage payment on an outfit, and enthusiastically shows it to me, I do not tell the truth and say that it looked frumpy or glitzy.

The ultimate test of truth came when I had to renew my license. Yes, it was time to say what I weighed. Tell the truth? Not a chance. IF you look at my license… you may note I have not weighed THAT amount in 10 years! Yet, I still think of myself as honest.

On the other hand there are the people who pride themselves on being upfront, frank and ‘tell it like it is’ folk. They waste NO time trying to be tactful. Being around them for any length of time requires mental and emotional armor. They are tiresome and tedious. Lana Teplick…longtime best friend --has said for years that those who pride themselves on being brutally honest use honesty as a guise for brutality. Ain’t it the truth! Some of our honesty should be kept to ourselves. And that's appropriate behavior.

These murky and sticky situations have kept advice columnists in business. Corporate America invests millions of dollars so that their employees will know how to appropriately behave: on the phone, in the office, with customers--- even the irate ones, how to host a meal, how to attend an event, and pays experts-- including yours truly-- to share those do’s and don’ts. Corporate America even pays consultants to teach high- level employees how to write a letter, have a conversation and how to dress…. appropriately.

Appropriate… like charm, class, ethics, truth…. is seemingly ambiguous, hard to get our arms around- to define. We know when it's present and more importantly know when it is missing in others. We ought to apply the same coda to ourselves so that we are always appropriate.

Susan RoAne, AKA The Mingling Maven® is an in-demand keynote speaker, networking expert and best selling author of How To Work a Room® and Face To Face: How To Reclaim The Personal Touch in A Digital World.